As a person who falls under this category and as a self-published author, I have put together all the steps you could possibly need in one simple blog post.  If you really want to check off publishing from your bucket list and have virtually no patience at all, then this guide is for you.

1.  Skim a Wiki-how on self-publishing
But don’t actually bother to read the whole thing.  Just look at the bolded steps to get an idea of what you probably should do.

2.  Have a whole manuscript
Unless you really, really are rushed.  Then feel free to skip to step 4 and turn it in to the Print on Demand publisher.

3.  Read your manuscript over
Or if a friend owes you a favor, have them do it.  Do they have poor grammar skills?  Even better. 

4.  Thank God for CreateSpace and Lulu
But don’t do any research on them whatsoever.  Pick whichever one has the nicest sounding name.  Don’t bother reading customer reviews on them, either.  Just make an account and upload your manuscript.

5.  Oh, wait… You also need a cover
Hopefully you have Microsoft Paint.  Unless you have some spare money sitting around, in which case you should probably pay the publishing service to do it for you.  Throw as much money into this as you can.  Who needs a paid editor?  We all know no one cares about what’s INSIDE the book.  All looks, people, all looks.

6.  By the way, your manuscript format is completely incorrect
Time to go back through your Word document line by line, taking out tabs, and other things not recognized by ePub and file converters. Preferably half-ass it the first time, so you can repeat this step over and over again.  The more times you have to re-upload it, the better.

7.  You also need your ISBN number on your copyright page, and back cover
Time to revise the manuscript again, and re-upload it!  And you should probably forget that the print version and eBook version have different ISBNs.  If you’re lucky, you get to do this step twice.  You probably shouldn’t look up the publishing standards for other distributors.  Who cares if your ISBN is 1 inch by 1.75?  Or whatever the standard is.

8.  Don’t forget to write a laborious note about how publishers/printers/bookstores can contact you for consignment deals on your copyright page
Because people will definitely be lining up out the door for that amazing opportunity.  Try to sound as pompous as possible.  The more arrogant you are, the more successful you’ll seem.

9.  Have an enormous, elaborate book release party
You’ve worked so hard; you deserve to celebrate.  This is where you should focus all of your extra cash.  Expectant mothers have baby showers, so why shouldn’t expectant authors have their own thing, too?  J.K. Rowling probably had an enormous release party.

10.  Hooray, your book is released and available to buy!  Now if only some people would buy it…
Don’t worry.  This is why you have credit cards.  Hook that card up to your Facebook, and run a continuous campaign for your book.  This is the most surefire way to create a following.

So there you have it.  Follow these steps and you’ll be published in about a month.

And don’t forget to constantly reward yourself.  You deserve it.

**I swear this started off as a serious post… I used some of my own mistakes for inspiration.

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